I’m back 🌞

so this blog has always been about fitness because fitness has always been a part of me. but I think I’m ready to take it in a new direction. 

After putting my body through one of the most extreme and dangerous situations I’ve realized that I need to take a step back and learn to appreciate my body for what it is. the pictures you see below are a sort of reverse transformation. 

The first is when I just moved back home from college. I had just started working out and counting my macros religiously. It was new, it was fun and I was seeing results I had never gotten before. I had fallen in love with lifting and naturally dieting came along with it. This is the last time I remember actually liking the way I looked AND felt.

The second is days before my last bikini competition. I was 100 pounds. I was starving myself, eating way too little and exhausting my body. and for what? to win some trophy for some organization who doesn’t even care about my well being? for months I slaved over EVERYTHING I ate. I exercised about 2 hours everyday. I became obsessed with food with exercise. I lost friends, I lost a social life, I lost my ability to have a normal relationship with food. 

Fast forward to the third picture. that was about 2 weeks after my competition. 2 weeks of binge eating and out of control dangerous habits. I had no sense of what to do around food. some days I ate nothing for hours & then binged on absurd amounts of food. I was so anxious ALL THE TIME. I was still living a nightmare. I didn’t know how to regulate myself normally anymore. I was so out of touch with my body and my signals. my body was literally STARVING and asking for food, it was trying to help me live yet I still fought it. I felt disgusting and anxious every second of the day. I was still working out 1.5-2 hours a day. I was terrified to leave for a 5 week vacation to Europe. How would I monitor myself? How would I not balloon up? I was extremely anxious and honestly didn’t even want to go. but guess what? that trip to Europe was the first stepping stone to my recovery. 

Now to the last picture. Here I am today. do I look the way I want? hell no! do I feel the way I want? still no. is my relationship with food back to normal? unfortunately no. do I still get anxiety if I don’t workout? yes. as I reflect I almost wish I had never signed up for those competitions. I can’t look at my body the same. I can’t look at food the same. my mind is constantly mentally counting and tracking my calories and macro nutrition even when I don’t want to. I’m constantly assessing my physical appearance. In a way a still feel as lost as I did in those second two pictures. But I know it’s time for a change. I want to gain my life back. I don’t want my life to revolve around my looks and diet. so I’m writing this to make my self accountable. it’s time for me to practice what I preach. While I still love working out and being healthy, I need to learn to love myself no matter my size. I hope I can learn to appreciate this body I have and start to have a normal relationship with food. If anyone reading this is dealing with body image issues, disordered eating, anxiety or anything else similar don’t be afraid to reach out to me. I’d love to find other beautiful people to go through this journey with. stay strong 💪😊


too healthy? 

if you’ve ever been on a diet or even just gone a liiiitttlee too long without eating something you know that hangry (hungry + angry) is a very real, very serious emotion. but is there a point where that irritation becomes detrimental? how healthy is too healthy?

During the past 6 months I have made some major changes in my physical health but the changes people haven’t seen have been in my mental and emotional health. Competition prep is no joke. and while most people look at bodybuilders sculpted physique and think “wow what amazing will power!” there is a deeper and darker side to this extreme dieting. 

Recently I discovered Maddy Moon ‘s podcast and website and I couldn’t help but think “wow she gets me!” 

If you haven’t ever struggled with anxiety, depression, OCD or disordered eating, congratulations YOURE LUCKY! but if you are like the majority of the female population, you probably have experienced one, if not multiple of these problems. In today’s culture there is so much emphasis on the physical appearance and looking so perfect, but why don’t we ever focus on improving our mental health? why are we envious of people who are living extremely restrictive lifestyles instead of those fully embracing life and all it has to offer without obsessing over appearance? 

I’ve begun to question myself and my motives for become a fitness finnatic. although I love competiting, staying fit, pushing myself, eating healthy and developing myself I’d be lying if I didn’t say these past few months have been a mental struggle. (waaaayyy more on this to come)

Many diets focus on lowering carbs and without getting too in depth, let’s just say carbs are BRAIN FOOD! the ADA recommends at least 130g of carbs a day for proper brain function. and obviously it’s possible to live without this number but what are the effects? well this all depends on the individual. 

if you see my last post, that sums up a lot of the issues I’ve personally been facing. exhaustion, fog brain, extreme emotions, loss of sex drive, OBSESSION with food, insomnia, extreme low energy and so many mood swings. so some days are better than others but what I want you guys to get out of this post is JUST BECAUSE SOMEONE LOOKS GREAT DOESNT NOT MEAN THEY FEEL GREAT. I’m just starting to understand that there is a such thing as “too healthy” and I hope I can start to find a balance between health and obsession.  

as always, stay fab friends -mvkayy